Being in a loving relationship is a wonderful thing. Isn’t it?
It makes you feel good and gives you the chance to share your life with someone.
Someone who truly cares about what you think, how you are feeling, or what you want for yourself.
One of the secrets to having a happy relationship work is setting boundaries in your relationships.
Boundaries for yourself, boundaries for your partner, and boundaries for your relationship.
They define the roles in the relationship AND protect each other’s personal needs.
While there is no one perfect way of doing it, there are some powerful ways that can help you understand, set & maintain healthy boundaries in a relationship.
Especially if this is something that you struggle with.
What are healthy boundaries & why are they important?
When you spend a lot of time with someone and you invest a lot of energy & emotions, it can be hard to stay true to yourself.
Especially when it’s still early days, and you’re on cloud 9 & you want to please the other.
Chances are that your boundaries get a bit blurry when you’re caught up in the moment.
And guess what? That’s totally normal and it happens to everyone. Enjoy!
But… When those first days/weeks/months are over, it’s good to take a step back.
So you can have a look at the boundaries that you’ve set or would like to set.
Let’s dive into the types of boundaries that you can set in your relationship!
Healthy boundaries help you focus your attention where you need it most
Types of Boundaries in a relationship
Setting boundaries in your relationships can be done in a lot of different areas.
There are
- Emotional boundaries
- Financial boundaries
- Mental boundaries
- Physical boundaries
- Privacy boundaries
- Sexual boundaries
- Social boundaries
- Spiritual boundaries
Boundaries can look very different but they have something in common.
They ALL matter!
Maybe they all matter equally to you or some might be more important to you than others.
It’s also possible that one day some boundaries matter more to you than others and that’s okay!
You are not a robot, you are a beautiful human being.
And as energy and emotions flow through your life, your priorities change.
It’s your job to find out what boundaries to set and to determine whether they are hard or soft boundaries for you. This will help you to define the limits of acceptable behavior.
This is something I help a lot of my clients with. So if setting boundaries is something you struggle with, book a complimentary breakthrough with me. During our call, I’ll show you exactly how I can help you with this.
The difference between having healthy and unhealthy boundaries in relationships
It’s clear that setting boundaries in your relationships is beneficial. You can see them as guidelines that help define who you are and how you want to be treated. They keep you physically and emotionally safe and help you keep your identity.
Setting boundaries in your relationships help you to stay “YOU” and allow you to have good levels of self-esteem & self-respect.
By doing so, you understand the importance of staying true to yourself.
And that this way, your relationship has the best chance to succeed.
But what is the difference between healthy & unhealthy boundaries?
What are healthy boundaries in a relationship?
Healthy boundaries involve respecting both partners’ needs and feelings. They allow you to communicate openly and trustfully.
Healthy boundaries can look like this:
- Saying no
- Accepting help
- Expecting respect
- Practicing self-care
- Communicating your needs
- Expressing your feelings & being heard
- Having your own identity & staying true to it
Healthy boundaries empower you to be yourself in the relationship.
What are unhealthy boundaries in a relationship?
Unhealthy boundaries involve manipulation, control, and domination. They can damage or even destroy a relationship because they disregard your values, wants & needs.
Unhealthy boundaries can look like this:
- Unable to say “no”
- Not being respected
- Feeling incomplete without your partner
- Being dismissed when you express yourself
- Feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness
- Losing yourself & your identity in order to please your partner
Unhealthy boundaries disempower you and who you are as a person.
Reasons why people don’t set boundaries
So if you know setting boundaries in your relationships is beneficial, then…
Why can they feel like a daunting task?
There are several reasons for that!
Fear
The biggest reason why people don’t set those important boundaries is fear.
The fear of letting someone down, the fear of not being liked or accepted, the fear of being rejected & alone again, AND… The fear of conflict!
Bad experiences with setting boundaries in your relationships can lead to a lot of fear of trying again.
Guilt & shame
You can feel guilty or ashamed when you don’t give others everything you have.
This can have multiple reasons but chances are that you’ve experienced early on in your life, that people were disappointed when you chose yourself over others. When you said no to others.
Because of this, you feel like it’s not okay to have your own voice. Because of this, you adjusted your behavior to please others.
And nowadays, you feel guilty or ashamed when you try to do something for yourself. And this also influences your ability to set boundaries with people.
Other people’s opinions
When you care a lot about what other people think of you, it can be hard to set healthy boundaries with others. You don’t want other people to think badly about you, do you?
I want you to know that I understand you and that this is something I help my clients with all the time.
And I want you to know that IT IS possible to set boundaries with people in a way that they will still like you for who you are.
They’ll probably appreciate you even more for it!
Just like my client Karine who went from having no boundaries with people, to telling others to get off her bus if they didn’t like it.
It is very much possible when you know how.
Not knowing how to set healthy boundaries
When you never had a good role model that showed how to set healthy boundaries, it can be intimidating to try. Where do you start?
How do you do it?
What to do when your partner doesn’t respond the way you anticipated?
(Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered here!)
Not being able to say no
When “pleasing others” is your middle name, it’s HARD to say no. Am I right?
It’s HARD to set boundaries.
If this is you as well, make sure to download The NO Guide.
This way you will never feel overwhelmed again and forced to say yes, when you actually want to say NO.
With this guide, you will ALWAYS know what to say.
It will give you ready-to-use examples of saying no at home & work.
Plus, examples in case you don’t know what to say.
As you can see, most reasons are feelings-related.
That’s why sensitive people find it harder to set boundaries in their relationships.
However, ESPECIALLY for sensitive people, it’s one of the greatest gifts that you can give to yourself and your relationship. Boundaries help to protect your emotional and physical well-being!
How to set boundaries in your relationships
The importance of healthy boundaries? Check!
Types of boundaries? Check!
The difference between healthy & unhealthy boundaries? Check!
If you’re still here, that means that you are ready to set some healthy boundaries!
So let’s dive into what it actually takes to set strong and healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Identify YOUR needs
The first step in setting boundaries is to become aware of your own wants & needs.
If you’re someone who spends more time thinking about others than yourself, it can feel a bit uncomfortable at first.
Know that that’s okay and keep in mind that EVERYONE will benefit from it when you set healthy boundaries in your life.
Take some time to explore and think about what is important to YOU.
Identify what you want from this relationship.
Identify what you need from this relationship because yes, it’s okay to have needs!
The sooner you get clear on what it is that you want & need,
the sooner you’ll be able to define your boundaries and communicate them in a clear way.
Get comfortable with your needs
Next up is getting comfortable with what you want & need from this relationship.
Because knowing what you want & need IS NOT the same as accepting it like a champ and being okay with it.
Especially when you’re not used to this.
Take some time to sit with it and think about WHY you want & need these things from the relationship.
How will it make you feel when these things are met?
Will it make you feel safe? Secure? Reassured? Loved?
This is an important step that a lot of people forget and that’s why their boundaries won’t stick.
By discovering the WHY behind your needs, you start understanding the importance of it.
This will help you to get comfortable with the things you want & need from your relationship.
Set your boundaries
You know what you want & need.
You know why you want & need it.
Now it’s time to think about what that looks like in your relationship.
Think about behavior & actions that are acceptable and that are not.
In other words, behavior & actions that will help you get your needs met and behavior & actions that crosses a line for you.
To think about this in a clear way, you need some time away from your partner. So take a moment when you’re home alone or treat yourself to a nice cup of coffee. This way you’ll have the time and space to think about your words.
How do you want to be treated?
When you think about the things you want & need, HOW do you want to be treated?
- What does it look like?
- Are there specific words you want to hear?
- Are there specific actions you need your partner to take?
- When will you feel comfortable?
- When will you feel uncomfortable?
- What is behavior is acceptable to you?
- What behavior is not acceptable to you?
Think about the boundaries that you want & need in the relationship.
Define them with hard & soft boundaries.
- What is acceptable?
- When do alarm bells start to ring?
- What’s a hard NO for you?
And then take a moment to reflect on how your relationship is going.
Is your partner showing this kind of behavior?
Is your partner already meeting your needs?
Either way, it’s important to define for yourself those soft & hard boundaries. Just because boundaries aren’t crossed at the moment, doesn’t mean they will never be pushed or crossed.
When you’ve done the work, you know how to act when that happens, instead of feeling overwhelmed and lost for words.
Communicate your needs
It’s the step you’ve probably been dragging…
Once you’ve identified & set your boundaries, it’s time to communicate them.
Now I hear you think “but hooooow????”
Take a deep breath and let’s start with some uncomfortable truth first.
YES, YOU WILL BE NERVOUS
When you’re not used to communicating your wants, your needs, your boundaries, you will be nervous.
And that’s okay!
It’s okay, it’s normal and it will get easier.
When you’re nervous it’s important to keep in mind WHY you want or need this. Use it as fuel to keep going.
It might feel a bit uncomfortable, but you know the reason WHY you’re doing this and that will keep you going!
If you feel comfortable you can even share with your partner that you’re a bit nervous. Chances are big that your partner will be more understanding and patient because of this.
The best way to communicate things is by keeping it concise and by keeping the focus on yourself.
Be assertive and share what you want, what you need, your boundaries, and why it matters to you.
By keeping the focus on yourself, your partner gets valuable insights and it keeps the conversation constructive.
When you focus on your partner and what went wrong or what’s lacking, it’s easy for your partner to get defensive.
This makes that the conversation will go from an opportunity to grow together to a “he said – she said” conversation.
Now you don’t want that, do you?
Examples
Examples for you to use
- When this happened I felt _____
- I feel ___ when _____
- To me, it feels like _____
You can also add that’s it okay if they didn’t experience it the same way.
You just want to share how it made you feel so you can open up the conversation.
So you can talk it out together & clear up misunderstandings.
Examples for you to avoid
- I know that you _____
- You don’t _____
- You always _____
- You never _____
These kinds of examples often trigger defensive behavior and when that happens, the whole conversation changes. Instead of having an open conversation to provide insights, you’ll probably end up in a conversation where you’re both defending yourself and explaining that this wasn’t the case. Let’s try to avoid that!
Whatever happens, don’t do this when you’re setting boundaries in your relationship!
Don’t over-explain yourself. (remember less is more, be concise!) and don’t justify or apologize.
You don’t want to send mixed messages after expressing your needs and boundaries.
Also, I want you to know that you are not responsible for your partner’s reaction.
You are only responsible for communicating your needs & boundaries in a respectful manner. If it upset them, it is their problem. Yes, I know how hard this is, but IT IS their problem.
If they respect you in the way that you deserve, they’ll accept it and work with it. This might take some time and practice, but you can see from the start that they are willing to put in the effort.
Be consistent with your boundaries
Let me start by saying that you’re an absolute champ for getting clear on your boundaries, accepting & communicating them.
You’re doing SO well!!
After communicating your boundaries, it’s important to be consistent with them. That’s why you had to consider your soft & hard boundaries and you have to make sure to revisit them from time to time. This way you stay aware of what’s acceptable to you and not.
So when old habits or behavior are slowly slipping back in, you can point out your boundary again. Because you know what you want.
And I want you to know that it can happen to the best of us!
It happened to me as well.
When you start a relationship you often know who you are and what you want and not, don’t you?
But over time boundaries can get blurry and pushed until one day you wake up thinking “Huh, what happened to the girl I was at the beginning of my relationship?”.
Where did she go?
That’s why it’s so important to get clear on and be aware of your soft & hard boundaries AND to keep revisiting them. This way you will always have the clarity you need.
And when you have that conversation about your boundaries early on, it’s easy to refer back to it in a kind way when boundaries are pushed.
It doesn’t have to be a big thing.
Once again, keep the focus on yourself & how you’re feeling and why it matters to you.
When your partner is not respecting your boundaries and keeps pushing them, make sure to practice how to say no.
To do so, you can download The NO Guide for free.
It contains simple, effective & nice ways to say no.
So you’ll never feel overwhelmed again and forced to say yes, when you actually want to say NO.
Respecting your partner’s effort & boundaries
Just as you want & need things from the relationship, so does your partner.
Feel free to open the conversation to discover what that is.
Encourage each other to set boundaries in your relationship!
Discover where there is an overlap with your own wants, needs & boundaries and where there are differences.
Know that it’s okay to have differences, they keep the relationship interesting in the long term. Celebrate them!
See how you both can find a way to get your needs met.
Be patient and understanding of each other and keep talking with each other. This will help you both grow together.
And then also…
Give feedback!
When your partner is showing the wanted behavior, when your needs are met and/or when a boundary is respected, say it!
Show gratitude and share with your loved one that you appreciate it and how it makes you feel.
At the end of the day, what’s a better feeling to have than knowing that your partner feels good being with you and appreciates you? Am I right?
Conclusion
By now you have a good understanding of
- Why setting boundaries in your relationships is important
- The types of boundaries you can (and want to) set in your relationship
- The main reasons why people don’t set strong & healthy boundaries
- How to set & maintain your boundaries (in a way that sticks!)
- The importance of respecting your partner’s effort & boundaries
Plus you’ve got access to The NO Guide that will help you to maintain the boundaries that you’ve so carefully created.
So let me know, do you feel ready to have a look at your own needs & boundaries in your relationship?
Are you ready to set boundaries in your relationships?
Or is there something you would like more information or guidance on?
Let me know in the comments or feel free to DM me on Instagram.
Lots of love & healthy boundaries,
